Im a Bitch Get Over It

2:51PM - i need to do this more often

Ok so my job is getting on my nerves. It isn't the job itself just a few people within the job. I'm already high strung because of other issues and people find it funny to add fuel to the fire. Well damnit man I am trying to keep my mouth shut as best as possible but its pissing me off hard core. I wanna yell really really loud and be beligerent. But I am keeping my cool for now because it would be pointless and I'd end up loosing my job as our new owners are here today and they probably wouldn't take to kindly to this lol

All things concidere everything else is going ok. My grams has been in the hospital for 45 days or so for pneomnia an d it hasn't gotten better untill the last few days

Life is not to bad otherwise. I'm just chillen and working. Playing a lot of xbox to get rid of the frustations of the day. Lol. Nothing better than walking or running around killing people on modern warefare 2. To relieve stress. Lmfao.

So yea that's all for now. Ill keep trying to update more often

4:55PM - soo sorry i have been gone

so i have been gone a long time and just now am getting back online. its not just that i lost internet or anything that simple. life has not been all roses for me and i dont want a pity party from anyone but for those who care this is whats happened.

as man of you know 2 yrs ago in august my uncle Jack moved in with us after his 2nd major heart attack. it left hiom unable to work cause only 20% of his hear worked and he had no means to be able to keep staying up norht on his owns. many of his friends let him down in many ways. and he felt he could also be of some use with grams so he moved in. many of you know we didnt get along the greates, infact we didnt really like each other even thought he helped raise me for the first five years of my life. BUT ofcourse all the good stuff is remembered at a time of no use. any hows, thing where fine for a long time. till jan. mom noticed jack not wanting to do anyhting and stuff and was complaining he hurt. but never specified where. mom chalked it up to aches and pains of a colder winter we where having than normal. on jan 22 i got up after i had been down with the flu and was working around the house. i was in the middle of doing the cat litter when jack came upstairs to take his shower. so i was going to head downstairs untill i noticed he looked as thought he had gotten sick and was breathing badly. he looked at me and said call 911. those where the last word he said. i continued cpr for 20 minutes untilll the ambulance came. ofcourse after the emts came i went downstairs to remove my mother from the house so they could take my now dead uncle through the house and my grams was in her room so i shut the door. i ws oficially numb then. and i frankly dont remember anyhting after i called one of the greates friends anyone could have in tobi! she was here from marietta in under 10 minutes. i know we went to the hospital cause i had to get jacks cross and cell phone from him. but after that i dont remeber much of anyhting untill i was signing the contract at the funeral home for his funeral. wich was almostg 6 hours later. We made phone calls. was told to shut up and the no ways and that it made it all the harder. my mother was shell shocked. that was the only brother she has ever claimed after our family has done its splits in many ways. but she got through it. the funeral was held on a saturday evening ( yes very quick turn around due to his son and ex wife comming in from fla and they had limeted time as tammy owns a business and travis works for her) and things moved on.


After a week or so people at work stopped walking on egg shells around me. i was hugged more than i care to remeber. im not really a touchey feeley person but i do ok. i think, atleast im not a frigid bitch that shys from all contact lol. but i thought things where returning to normal. untill travis and tammy came back to town and went to probate court and took the durango that i had put money down on. so that left me with out a vehichle. again. oh well im over being mad upset so feb turned in to march and at the end of march i was hit with yet another bombshell. i was at work and wasnt feeling great but i thought i had the flu so no worries. i was in the middle of doing ia cig count wich normally takes me under an hour to do and i had been at it for two hours. not because of customers because i would lose count. so i called my boss at 4 am and asked her to come in early so i could go home. one of my usual customers stayed with me for over 2 hours before bridgett came in and then took me to the er. i had a mild stroke. my blood pressure apon arriving at the er was 194/184 wich they could tell was down from its peak. i had ekg and eeg and blood work and all this happy hoorse crap done. after being in the er for almost 48 hours never being admitted because i have no insurance. the let me go home with some precription drugs and a change of diet ect. well i have followed most of the doctors orders i am eating healtheir taking my medications everyday\. and i had quit smoking for about a month untill my panic attacks started. out of the blue i started having sever anxiety and panic attacks. so back to the doctors i went ( not the er) paid out the wazoo to get diagnosed and stuff. so i take no less than 7 pills a day now have lived through a stressed induced stroke and my uncles death in less than 6 months. needless to say i have had a crappy begining to 2009 but ohh and there is a huge BUT there. there is a silver lining to this. in june i got a call frm an old friend that used to run insurance with me. with a few calls and finding out i was lied to by my old emploryer i am back to selling insurance and doing quite well . i still have some issues with anxiety. that why i wasnt online much i could bring myself to use the pc jack had bought me and i still have trouble sleep correctly but its getting better now.

i am sorry for being gone for so long but shit happens to quote a good friend.. but i will try to update more frequently and be online more. \\have a good one

11:36PM - i promise nothing but ramblings..

thinking- it hurts occasionally, and often for the wrong reasons. But im ok with it tonight, for some strange reason my mind races, to areas it hasn't been for a long time. i have realized that i have spent too much energy on trying to fix the unfixable. focusing on the issues that are so unimportant, and people who really shouldn't matter if it was that easy to walk away. Not to say that those people where not important to me, i could not thank them enough for their friendship, their passion for life, the laughs, the talks, the crying, healing, video games, drinking, drunken nights, role playing games, and so so much more. But all of the sudden, i realized something so small, so easy to understand. There is a saying some where, by some one other than me, and i am probably going to butcher it. but eh here is what i remember of it.

some friends are meant to be in your life for a season, and some friends are your life. be grateful for who you have, and dont dwell on who you have lost.

so for those that i have lost, due to varying factors, best of luck to you, and yours. For those who i still have in my life, and for those i have reconnected with, i am so grateful you are in my life words can not express. each one of you brings so much to me, and i am so not meaning physical things. i mean, laughter, understanding, and awesome times. i thank god each day for each of you. there is so much to be said on this, yet, i dont feel words can articulate how i feel right now, nor do i think they ever could. i really am one of the luckies people in the world. and i NEED to start realizing that. and i do believe i have had my wake up call.

i spent monday with julez and her sister and greg, lori's husband. awesome time. I met their brother michael, and went to trans-alleghaney book store. Its an awesome place. I have never taken the time to go in, but wow, defiantly an interesting place, awesome wood working, floors, rooms, details, a truly great "house" for back of better words. i think we spent a hour or so there and i was completely entertained. looking at not only the books, but the structure itself. it was amazing. Seeing julie, now after three years, and Lori's helping hand, was awesome. There has been alot go wrong in that time, and a lot go right for her. She is traveling a path i know very well, the strong one, the one who had to make sure everything was ok for the first 3 or 4 days after. Its hard to hear her describe things, and watch the emotions boil to the surface, only to be thwarted before being allowed to flow. We did alot of talking. i am so amazed and proud she finished her book. It was something she wanted to do for so long. and i am so impressed at the little i read. we spent alot of time laughing, and alot of time her filling me in on things. i have got to give the girl credit. she has had a rough few years, and amazingly enough, she is a ok. there is alot i still probably dont know, and wont for while. but, i am really glad her sister, cornered me and got my number for julez. its been so long, and so much has happened, and not all of it has been good. but it was fun never the less to laugh like the old days. to recapture something i had almost for got to do, and that was to laugh, not at a joke, not at something funny on tv, but to laugh, to love the laughter for its sake. to just be understood and understand the people your with so completely its like you dont really even have to talk much. not saying we just sat and stared at each other, but it was defiantly nice to just chill and play pool and talk. I found out about doug, and the issues with doug. i found out more about aires and the situation with doug, and all that stuff that comes with it. A HUGE part of me wants to hate him, and to really break his knees, and make him feel the pain that julie is going through, and had to go through. but then, i have no right. He was the MAN that was there for her and julies family when her mom died, he was the one who stood by julie as she was pregnant, even though he was probably scare shitless. I told julez to give me a reason to like him, and everything she said was a valuable point, as i mentioned before. But i keep going back to a couple things that keep me from accepting that he is an ok guy. But i promised julez id give him a chance and get to know him. Apparently he is a great dad, so, he cant be all that bad. But, i still keep the idea of smashing his knees in. that may never happen, but its fun to think about for a few seconds.

so yea, i made a couple huge decisions lately that effect or is it affect. ah bah who cares, me. as of this post, when i finish it im throwing what cigarettes i have left away, im done, no more, and FOR REAL this time. no buying packs, to last for in in case emergency no more of that bullshit. PLus i have given up pop, and most sugars, except koolaid for now, and that is only till friday when i get paid and i but the sugar free kind, or some other suitable substitute. plain water just doest cut it for me. unfortunately, i mean i at least now drink a glass of it a day, which before i wasnt, and its all tea and kool aide, and some watter additives, like crystal light, ect. its been a week thus far, and minute two glasses of pop i had at julies, its been great, i feel better any how.

i think im done for now. i hoped to write more, but i feel tired at the moment, and really feel like laying down. good night all

10:46PM - Writer's Block: Neurotic Behavior

im so neurotic about my collection, whether it be mp3, dvd, cd, or video games, magazines or books. they have to be in a order.

books::: by author, and in order of publish, and if part of a series sequential order
dvd:: release date and title in alphabetical order
gamer mags:: by the publisher and in sequential order
video games: in alphabetical order, or sequential order with in the same title ( ie madden)
cds: by band, also alphabetical, and then by their album release date
MP3: same as cd's

9:12PM

daily reminder:::

release yourself of thing out of your control. do not dwell on issues you can not change. focus on things you can positively impact.

with so much negativity in the world today dont you think it makes more sense to focus on the positive things in life? Such as things as just being able to wake up and get out of bed this morning and how its great to see another day. Or the fact that you are able to tell some one you love how much you love them? Bringing a smile to some one's face is one of the simplest ways to make your own day better. Try to do it some time... you might just like it. I personally havent done this alot lately and find it saddening. But isnt that the point of growing as a person. To realize your mistakes and make changes for the better? To realize we are not as perfect as we thought we where as teenagers? As teenagers we thought we knew everything there was to know. We where totally invincible. Our parents did not really know what it was like to be us. Unfortunately,they knew more than we gave them credit for. Bottom line is we wasted so much time bucking the system that we now have to do it as adults.

So why does our generation find it so hard to not only deal with our emotions but display them properly? I personally bottle everything up till i explode. The good, bad, and the very ugly. have we become so numbed by the build in babysitter ( television) that we are incapable of effectively communicating how we feel on a daily basis? this too, is very saddening. I mean everyone is so guarded, the refuse to let any one in. Then when they do, so how...so way... it all get fuckered up and ruins that person for ever trusting some one again. trust is such a huge thing, and yet we all overlook it. we are so driven to look out for ourselves at all times, we forget that sometimes it is easier to have some one help us in life. and yes i am very guilty of this. But how do i, you, or any one else being to trust again, when you know its just all going to be messed up sooner or later? My friend tobi and i where talking about something unrelated to this, but what i said in reply to her questions is. " its a leap of faith some people are not willing to take" is that the sad case of the matter. what makes the people who are willing to take this "leap of faith" better than i or you? what is it they see getting out of situations that may arise? is it that they are a gluten for punishment? or can they honestly trust people and not get fucked over? Id like to know how. I know that is very closed minded, but i honestly think i only really trust five or six people in my life. and NONE of those count family ( which we wont discuss). Most people we meet, we make a snap decision on. Most of the time its right. But there are rare occasion that we are wrong. Does that mean we should revisit each person we have written off and give them a second chance? Im not sure on that, but what if we all took a minute to be more tolerant and understanding. How much richer could our lives be. How much more positivly impacted could those people be to us. Im sure much more than we are willing to admit. But then again, they could bring drama too. Not saying a small dab of drama is bad, but when that is the only thing that comes out of them... it might be time to move on.

I think i will revisit later, im off to numb my mind some more and play video games.

11:26PM - thoguhts.

i was at work tonight. Minding my own business and these random thoughts came to mind. so i just jotted them down. i really thought nothing more of them till after break when i sat down and looked at what i wrote down. and i was like wow..... you are really starting to understand that you are no where near where you want to be. Its like i dont want to leave this place in my mind that is safe and continue to grow. its like i have a fear of.... well ... living life. being something more than i am now. being better than i am. i am by no means a good person... but i am not the worst. so i let you read this.. and feel that i am crazy.. and its ok... thoughs rambling through my head is something i used to love.. it meant i was alive and i embraced it. Now, because for a long time my mind has not been stimulated, i dont care if a free thought passes my way. just as long as i get through the day. Now i want it .. i crave it... which tells me... its time for change..... its time to move on to do something..... anything... to grab life again.. and be me..... there is so much in life i like to do, but they are passing fancies. i dont stick with anything very long. and i think now i know why.... NOW is the time i will set out and make some changes. First off... the thoughts........

Believe in Yourself--
you better, because no one else will if you don't. Confidence not cockiness is essential in daily life. With out it you will be washed from side not knowing which way is up and which way is down. loosing yourself is so easy now a days that if you don't continually remind yourself who you are you will soon fade away and become just part of life instead of living life. i know i have been guilty of this for a while now and i am trying to rectify this so as to getting back to living life.

Encourage Others
Because you know better than any one no one will believe in them. Standing alone on a "stage" is definitely a lot less scarier than with some one. Or even seeing some one who believes in you in the crowd gives them the opportunity to shine. helping others should still be in everyone's nature. Unfortunately it isn't. Now all it seems any one cares about is themselves. Are we all really this shallow. -sigh- it definitely seems that way any more. Do i mean a literal stage..... no... i mean with any thing. Whether it be your best friend calling you all scared that she or he is making a wrong decision, or some one you work with. Reaching out to others should be a high priority. Not because others are less capable than you or i, but because its the right thing to do.

Strength in Numbers
The phrase keep your friends closer and enemies closer is bullshit. I dont know about you, but my enemies want nothing to do with me or me with them. hence we are enemies. Your friends should be as close to you as your family. If they are true friends, then they are family in my opinion. There are things about you that your family has NO CLUE about and for good reasons. Your family loves you no matter what, but your friends choose to love you because of the things you have went through together. They know your darkest secretes, and biggest triumphs. Whether it be acing a test, getting married, or a night out where they held your hair out of your face as you got sick. those things are just as important as unconditional love your family gives you. Can any of you really picture your mother getting excited over a night of self indulgence? Mine sure as hell wouldn't be excited about it. But would understand on the surface. But my friends know why, for what reason, and feed in to the need, until they feel i have expressed my anger/sadness.

Determination to do your best in every situation
Always try to make the best decisions. NO I HAVE NOT DONE THIS ALWAYS. but i am now working on making that a reality. what i believe this does for not only myself but people in general is allow them to begin to grow as an individual. Allowing yourself to live and learn so to speak. Thinking things through is huge thing. I am an impulsive person, and not very patient. I want results now. Whether that be escalating the situation to a point of no return or talking it to death. this is one of my many downfalls. Over thinking a situation sometimes is the worst thing to do, but i must think about everything now, and after keying in all the information make a decision. Most people i know already do this, so i am trying to learn from them.

Understanding that you may fail, but to keep trying
Failure is one of my biggest fears. So much depends on me. I feel that if i don't succeed i will let the most important people down. Even if they are no longer with us. This is an issue i must go and every day work though. I must realize it is ok to fail. because without failure a person does not grow right? Not that i am purposely setting out to fail now. I just don't get super worked up about it. a few months ago i would have just been irate at myself for hours and been in a surly bad mood. But i realize that is unhealthy. Moreso becuase it puts added stress on me.


and now... i believe i will close for the night.... hopefully more... from my wondering mind later....

10:54PM - long forgotten gets revived

i have neglected to cross post once i started writing in my journals.

here is the last few entries.... im sorry for being away so long.... its just been a train weck of a year or so


Wednesday, January 23, 2008


im confused. and for once i dont care. life is just coming at me moment by moment and i do the best i can. im not planning for anything, it just happens. i dont try to stop its path, not do i reflect on it once the moment has passed. Is that true oblivion? or the lack of ones self? im not too sure. i think it is time to start putting things back in order. i can only stand chaos before its time to put shit right.

im not to certain of how im going to pick up all the pieces. I am sure i will find a way. Slowly but surely i will put thing back to right. Will that mean everything will go back to normal i am not sure. There are a few issues i feel will never be the same. Strained, and maybe can not be repaired. I am prepared for that to happen so it wont be such a shock. But i guess i do have to try.....right...?



ok i thought i had more to say... but i guess not.

see ya





Tuesday, January 15, 2008


im lonely. disconnected. I supposed thats the effect i was going for. But i didnt know it would be this bad. i thought it would be alot easier than this. I thought i would be ok with it. But im not. i have frustrations building inside about things. Things i no longer have control of. But this too will pass. As long as i keep going i will e able to soon be myself again. I have to get all this daum anger works out and all the issues figured out before i go back and try to repair the damage i have cause otherwise it will all be for nothing. I have to stick to my guns. Do you all realized how fucked up some of Freud's shit is. But it makes me laugh, sadly enough. Any how. just a note to keep myself on track. im off to gain some more sleep.






Friday, January 11, 2008


ok yea so wow. i was getting off work today and my uncle hands me a piece of paper and says call that lady back she has called all day for you. I was like. hm, ok..... and it was a job i applied for a few months back. i went in for an interview, and ill know next week if i get it. It would be nice to work there. Full med dental and optical insurance paid for by the company as well as other perks like shift differential and more. im kinda stoked.

in other news, i have none. basically i have become a boring person again. No longer drinking or anything else. not saying i was a drunk by any means, but i had began to lean heavily on the alcohol to take away the shit in my head and make it to where i could think. Mostly when i was alone, id have a few of the little guys ya can pick up at the local ghetto mart store, then graduated to having a fifth on my shelf, then two, then three. It was a natural progression, and i am kinda glad its gone. I mean, i am not banishing alcohol from my life, its just no longer an every night thing.

im also hopefully going to be able to quit smoking soon. I have tried a couple times since grams finally came home. But, to no avail. I think i was doomed to fail because at that point i had been so emotionally wrecked, i didnt care. I had just gotten released from a hospital stay myself where i had flirted with my lungs colapsing and being extremly ill. My blood Ox level was down to 60. I was pasty looking and couldnt breath. Ironically grams was two doors down from me with a small case of pnemonia that she was supposed to be getting out in three days. I was released two days later and returned to work on the fourth day. The day grams was supposed to be released. The doctor had signed the release papers at 230 when i called home, and i figured she would be home by the time i got home from marietta. When i got here my mother was crying and said i needed to sit down. So i prepared myself for the dreaded speach. In two hours time her fever had spiked to 103, she was not consious and her kidneys had failed. Her heart rate was dramatically down and so what her breathing. So mom called jack, the only uncle i have ever communicated with, and Amanda took me to the hospital where grandma hadl already been transported to icu. The days drug on. Jack arrived and stayed a week. he tried so hard to make it easier for me. He cleaned and cooked for mom and i, he stayed with grams as her situation only marginally improved. The girls, Krissy and Ginger where called. Krissy couldnt come, she had her own issues, ginger came immeadiatly. Ginger left shell shocked, she couldnt believe how bad it had gotten. She was full of questions, and all the while i answered them, i was drinking. It was the only thing that numbed me enough to be able to explain the last five years. Ginger left to go home as matt her husband was to return from the plant in Mexico his company owns, and Jack went home. Things became a blur for the next 65 days. Nothing moved, nothing happened, i was dead inside, I fucked up my good job, i let my mother down i so many ways. I yelled and screamed and became a hateful person full of rage and lack of empathy. It was hard enough for me to deal with, what was my poor mom dealing with. She had missed her own fathers funeral due to her illness, now her mother sat in icu and she still could do nothing. Man i was a fucking bitch . On the 66th day i was sitting there, watching cartoons, cause i knew thats what grams liked. I was about half asleep. The nurse came in and looked at me and told me i needed to go to the nurses station. Grams kidneys started working. There was a huge pile of piss on the floor. I didnt even notice it. She started releasing all the toxic fluids that had built up. I was excited yet caustios. This could be very bad. I sat and watched, the nurse was careful. She cleaned and checked grams, Pulled viles of blood, and ran them to the lab. All the sudden my grams, was back, she sat up in bed... looked around lost. and just simply asked. What the fuck does some one have to do to get some food 'round here. I laughed so hard i almost cried. On the 67th day she underwent a procedure called a broncoscopy. To remove what appeared to be a huge amount of pnemonia in her right and left lung. We waited breath heald. NO CANCER all pnemonia. I called jack, he was elated. But something was wrong, he sounded different. I told mom to call him. Three days later Jack moved here, He was bound determined to help, in his own way. On the 80th day grams came home. She was ok. Some how the good lord graced me and my family with something I did not deserve. Why write all this. I dont know. Something just lead me down that path. In many of those days sitting there, with my grams so close to going home to see my grandpa, i was more concerned about my own pain and not those of others. I some where in these past few years became selfish. It sickened me. I became something by my own admission i hated. What honestly that woman heard or thought during those long days of silence is between her and god, but im sure of one thing, i didnt deserve to have her in my life.

wow what i side track. hm, interesting. oh well.




Thursday, January 10, 2008


serenity.
calming with in my head. a much needed mental break. walked away. for a month or so no social contact with anyone other than the ones i am required to at work. which was minimal. i wanted to just release everything. the anger i accidentally took out on friends, and stress of my own mistakes, and worst of all my own health issues. two out of three cleared up isnt bad. i feel almost refreshed. there are some small things i feel that i need to clear up one of those probably will have to be in person. i now feel i Do owe Remy an apology. and she will get it. I am just not certain if she will speak to me. I felt at the time i did nothing wrong. and still my own pride and damn selfishness prevailed. I realized she was right. I was wrong. So if you still read this rem, feel free to blast me i deserve it.

I have decided to shed everything that i thought was important. I started over. I went home, to my gram's house. I left marietta. I lost my job at influent. I found a new job. I have a health issue with my eyes. Its still up in the air as to whether or not it is a major concern, or just something to monitor. But oddly enough i fell better. I feel like the old me that wasnt so demanding of everything. More relaxed. Does that mean i deserve to have my old life back? no. i think i have alot to learn about myself before i can really say i am back to my old self. I have spent alot of time just thinking and putting things in to words. I have three notebooks full of everything i have done wrong in the past few years. And it isnt a pretty site. The number one thing was not being a good friend, and being a fool. i am working on fixing that issue, and well, i am not sure of how to fix all of it, but some of it has already been fixed.

maybe shit is supposed to happen for a reason, hell who knows. Maybe it was time for me to part ways with people in my life. My grandpa always said people come and go in your life, they stay only as the wind blows. I am saddened that i have lost a few people in this situation, and others i see where making it worse. And i was not helping the situation much either. The lack of making good decisions, and inconstancies on my part led me here, and now i have to find a way back.

Things are clouded, and murky. The path is laden with quick sand. But i am determined to find my way "home". On a positive note i have reconnected with an old friend that made me realize i wasnt a bad person untill i left. That moving and turning my back on my family and friends made me the person i was. I honestly apologies to anyone who still reads this. I became something, some one who you did not know, nor care to continue to care about. No one is to blame but me. I have also taken the time to let go, and realize that i can not hold on to love for some one who is no longer there. I will not one day open my door, or bump in to them at Walmart, or get an email saying they want to come back to me. It was hopeless, and foolish to pin love on some idea or dream. Im not the first to do that nor will i be the last, but it hurt daily that it was not happening. Now, not so much, kinda like that dull ache that comes and goes. I will forever smell his cologne on some one else and probably still smile, but only because i am remembering the good times, and how much stronger i am now. No more of the longing to be there, and be the one.

time heals all wounds, and i am not about to inflict more pain on anyone. I am controlling myself to limit the time i spend with people because of all the shit i have caused over the last few years. My friend i reconnected with says im crazy, maybe she is right, maybe i honestly do need to go see some one about these issues. But for now i am content to just deal with it this way. No one deserves the pain i have caused, and i do not desrve to have the friends i still do. But i am grateful for those that have stuck by me, and fully understand why those who left, did. It wasnt what they did, it was what I did.

for now i think i am done writing. I need to get some sleep. Time to lay down and think some more. Maybe ill write some more tomorrow after work on these subjects. But that is tomorrow and i hold no plans. Plans are overrated.




Monday, December 03, 2007


i'll walk away
just what the title says

but remember, it doesn't have to be like that.

just say something. it doesn't even have to be "sorry" or "i fucked up" i don't even want an explanation

just ask....

it takes more than what has happened for me to leave, but i am on that thread now. half way gone, wanting to leave and not worry, but, i cant. so just say something.

you won't though, i know. you think you need to take the world on by yourself and not have people help you. your stubborn in that fact, and that is ok, because i am like that as well. but you are the one who bitched at me for years to lean on people and to ask for help sometimes. so do it dammit.

12:02AM - 70 things about me

1. Initials:
CJW

2. Name someone with the same birthday as you:
no one that i know of.....?

3. Favorite fruit(s)?
peaches, strawberries, watermelon, grapes

4. For or against same sex marriage?
they should have the same rights as straight people. they have feelings just like we do, they love, bleed, cry and die for this country they should be entitled to the same rights as a straight couple. who has or will do the same

5. Are you allergic to anything?
bee stings to a small degree.. nothing else really except pot

6. Are you bisexual?
haha. no

7. Have you ever slept in someone elses clothes?
yea

8. Are you comfortable with your height?
im the shortes daumn person in my family you think im comfortable with my heights? lol...

9. How many of the U.S states have you lived in?
two

10. Have you ever lived outside the US?
nope

11. Name something physical you like about yourself?
my eyes

12. Something nonphysical you like about yourself?
quick whit

13. Do you have any pets?
3 doggies 1 kittien


14. What is your dream car?
well, a 69 shelby or a jeep grand cherokee maxed out

15. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
ireland and scottland for sure, maybe japan

16. Have you ever had someone of the opposite sex sleep over?
a couple

18. What dream car do you want your husband/wife to drive?
what ever they want, im not particualr bout cars


19. What song did you listen to last?
momma im comming home by ozzy

20. Where would you want to go on a first date?
movie, or a comfortable clean bar. kinda like dannyh's bar and grill used to be... gawd i miss that bar

21. Would you date the person who posted this before you?
no i would not date poptart. she nor i swing that way

22. Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally?
um, not really.

23. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
yea. kinda cool

24. Do you like president Bush?
have you seen his popularity polls? i think only those in dc like him. so.. yea my answers is a definte NO

25. Have you ever bungee jumped?
no, might want to

26. Have you ever white water rafteing?
no

27. Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you?
no

28. Favorite Day Time Television Program?
cartoons

29. Ever been in the slammer?
no

31. What song are you listening to right now?
when im gone- eminem

32. What's your favorite song at the moment?
the reason=hobastank

33. What was the last movie you watched?
harry potter and the goblet of fire

34. Whats the Worst Film You've ever seen?
hm- worst- thats hard- no movie is all bad- ill leave this blank for now

35. Where was the last place you went besides your house?
last place was krogers ofr soda before i came home

36. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone elses property?
nope

37. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?
yes

39. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
smile eyes then the rest

40. What's your favorite body part on the opposite sex?
chest and ass

41. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
lol- coffee sucks ass-- so there is no reason to go there right?

42. Who would you want to see right now
poptart or rem or audi

43. Last Album you Bought?
hm that was like in 98- and i think it was garth brooks new cd at the time. i dont really buy music any more

44. Say something totally random about yourself:
um, im bored most of the time with everyhting.

45. Do you have an iPod?
mp3 player yes, i wear it at work.

46. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
nope


47. Favorite Classic Song (Past 1995)?
wow, past 95- hm- joy to the world p-- 3 dog night

48. What Languages can you speak?
english, a lil spanish


49. Do you have freckles?
a few

50. Do you like someone right now?
?

51. How are you feeling?
ok

52. Ever Gotten on Stage and Sang/Played for a Crowd?
a few times at kareokee

53. Ever Deliberately Slaughtered Your Family in 'The Sims'?
lol- fun idea.. but no havent played that game in forever

54. Whats the most you've spent in one day?
um like maybe a grand. i don like to spend money even if i have it

55. Have you ever ridden in a limo?
nope

56. Has anyone you were really close to passed away?
who hasn't

57. Do you watch MTV?
not much

58. What's something that really annoys you?
hm- got a few pages...

59. What are some things you really like?
my friends, my job actually, music

60. Do you like Michael Jackson?
yea his music is good, he as a person is a lil fuckered up..

61. How much do you spend on Credit a Month?
none


62. Have you ever surfed?
no

63. Do you know how to pump gas?
yea

65. What's the latest you have ever stayed out?
hm threed days later comming home


66. Have you ever thought that you were honestly going to die?
once

67. Were you ever rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?
yes

68. Have you ever been dared to do something you didn't want to do?
no

69. How many songs are in your music folder?
756

70. Will anyone reply to this?
I dunno

12:30AM - poptart says i never update.. so here ya go brenn

ok- heres for you brenn-

update:

i still work at influent a year and a few months now. i am an agent in both property and casualty and life and heath now. yay passed l&h witha 76 and p&c with a 82.

grams is doing better a little each day. she still has her set backs but nothing major for bout a month now.

my mom is still bitchy as ever and really is busy all the time.

as far as i go.. yea.. im a little moody.. a lil stressed and a whole lot of relieved at the moment. glad all the shit for work is out of the ay and trying to get in to working nights again. im still not accustomed to working nights yet.

we had to put my big dog boo down. he attacked the neighbor. thank gawd he wasnt hurt badly. i came home last week on monday to a lil fuz ball named charlie. he is a begal basset mix,. not bad i thought. not exactly what i would have done. boo was it for me. he was mine.. and i didnt want another dog but mom had to have one and you know she get what she wants. so on thursday i come home to a black lil fuz ball named ruffus. he is supposed to be gram's dog. yea right. he sleeps with me.. he wont go out for mom.. and is a royal pain. cute, but still a pain. again.. i wouldnt not have gotten another dog.. now i have two fuzziez. argh what to do with those two downstairs who call them selves my parents.

thats all the real shit that has been going on besides workign and all... im pretty boring.

tty all later...



cj

10:35PM

argh---- such and ass... yes i am.. an ass....



i have spent three days trying to get some one off my mind and it will not go the fuck away. im driving myself NUTS. i know short trip. BUT hey.. it will be ok. argh. ok so anyhows. Everythign is going much better. stress level is down quite a bit. and hells bells my checking account is in the positive balance for the first time in a year. so yay for me.



ever just wish that a certian memory could just be erased, a smell, a taste or what ever ... i just want to get over this, and for no reason he keeps popping up in my head. How he smelt, his smile, his mustache, goatee, how he walked, every daumn thing bout him will not go away. I thought it woulda been bad last year when i ran in to him, but it wasnt, all of the sudden im having dreams and shit and i cant get him off my mind, and daumnit every where i go i smell HIS cologne. Oh well i guess it will pass.. im just going NUTZ that all.. no biggie right? lol



well i hope i have provided you with a small laugh. im off to go to sleep.

3:57PM

ok. grams is finally back home....



she has spent more time at the hospital in the last two months than at home. she is fine now. a c-disc infection in her bowels... and a bi pac machine to help her sleep aptnia.. yea.. ok.. so im boring.. im off for a bit.. ill be back later to tell full details.. and all.. and .. well here is something to keep ya busy...



1. Do we know each other outside of journalling?

2. What song reminds you of me?

3. Would you have my back in a fight?

4. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?

5. If we could hang out tomorrow what would you want to do?

6. What is your favorite memory of us?

7. What is your favorite sexual activity?

8. Would you give me a kidney?

9. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about yourself.

10. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?

11. Do you want to tell me something that you couldn't before?

12. Ever thought about me in bed?

13. Have you heard any rumors of me lately?

14. Have you talked about me behind my back?

15. Do you think I'm a good person?

16. How good of a friend would you rate me on a scale of 1 to 10?

17. Would you drive across country with me?

18. Do you think I'm attractive?

19. Are there ever times when you want to call me but don't?

20. Have you ever slept with someone famous?

21. If you could change anything about me, would you? what would it be?

22. What is the best advice you can give me?

23. Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?

24. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

8:41PM - ----

-sigh- wow what a month
ok- so grams is home now. she arrived about 1pm here. She is relativley fine. medicare did not approve the BI-Pac machine to come home with her because her gases in her blood where fine for her condition. They IGNORED the fact she has SLEEP APTNIA. ok, so the doctor, Dr. Barton, is working on that in the morning. She has leg brace now for her knee to help stablize and remobilize her so she can begin physical therapy on monday. She is breathing better, and will take a real good effort on my behalf to make sure i strip as soon as i come home and all that jazz. She gets pnemonia again, well that could very well be the end of it. But alas everything is on a normal level. She wants to argue constitanly now. She has dementia slowly creeping in and cant remeber small shit. But, they are going to put her back on aricept tomarrow i believe. so that will help to slow that down and stop it from progressing too quicky. her upper gi and lower gi came back normal, so we arent sure where the bleeding came from. ... im tired as hell.



there is more non important stuff that you all probably dont give two shit about so.. ya.. im going to get off here and take a HOT shower and lay down and listen to some music. if ya need me call... if not.. holla later all





cj

10:25PM

wow-

where to start-

Lets start with the good news.. Cause the bad news will take a while to type out.

-- i am now almost fully licened and appointed in all 50 states in the us to sell Life and Heath and Varriable annuities. so YAY for that. I will soon be going through the Property and Casualty part of the classes. Probably by the end of the mony i will be dialing insurance soley. So it is all good for once. My year has come and gone at Influent. And amazingly enough i dont mind going there as much any more. Of course the pay raise helps alot. So yea.. im happy bout that. I work alot now and dont leave alot of time outside of work as usual. and after the summer is over i plan to trim it down to a 40 hour week only so i can get back in touch with alot of lost frineds.

Ok so the bad nes as it comes...



--- On feb 7th my grandmother had a anerism the size of a large lemmon removed. roughly 7 cm in size AROUND. so yea. not good. Doc said if it would have busted at home she'd be dead before the squad could get here. And we are only a few blocks away from them.

---On march 12 i had to take grams back to the hospital because she was acting way weird. Like talking my grandfather who has been dead now 12 eyars, and to big mom and big pap, my grandfathers parents. She also was restricted to limeted mobilities while her groin area( do women have that area and is it called that??) healed. meaning no steps no exercise other than going to the bathroom. So when we went to the hospital that sunday, she had striped buck as naked and was leaving because she refused care. I was blown away. I forced her back in to the hospital bed and got her care. She had a CO2 Level of 93 percent. a normal person is 28-32 percent, and her with her health problems should not be above 42 percent. I was asked to leave because she was being admitted and they needed to hook her up to a BIPAP machine. They almost lost her twice that night. Having to cut of her jammie bottoms because she swelled so uncontrollably. She was in the hospital for a week. She also has sever pnemonia. One lung was completly full the other partially. her heart rate was waivering at teh 145 range and was not able to be controlled readily. She also has an enlarged heart so this was horrific. After 2 days in there they had controlled her heart rate to a normal level. 95 to 96 bpms. 74 resting bpms. The had also got her CO2 leves under controll. Nominaly at 39 percent. All was well. she needed to be there the rest of the week to take breathing treatments and a course of iv antibiotics. All well and good and she came home on the 20th.

-- tuesday the 21st. She fell flat on her face while transfering to the potty chair. NOT GOOD. Squad came and checker her out. Everyhting read normal, other than a lil bit of a high ehart rate due to being scared and a lil high of blood pressure, also attributed to the fall.

---Wensday the 22nd. I woke upa nd woke grams up to give a breathing treatment. She wouldnt come all the way awake and complained she couldnt breath. I woke mom and she helped her give the treatment as i went off to work. While i was at work she fel back in to the symptoms of CO2 poising she had jsut suffered last week. Mom called the squad and she went in to the hospital. She was at level 90. She spent 4 hours o the BIPAP machine and was alert finally, but unerved cause she had no recalation of whats going on.

She is now resting comfortably at the hospital. We dont know exactly what caused this second spike. the doctors are going to be running test tomarrow to see what exactly is going on. I dont know how to tell my mom, but i think we are comming to the end. I could be wrong, but i hav a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that this time, well, it will be not so good. Ginger my cousin came in today and was very disturbed and cried alot to my mom, who isnt in the best of health either right now. Ginger left and went home. Jack Edward, My Aunt karne, and Chrissy my other older cousin will be in Saturday. This is not going to be good weekend at all. I have the feeling that i will be extremly wrung out by monday and will not feel like moving. I already am emotionally exhausted. But as always i am the one to swallow everyhting and take it in stride and dont worry others with my problems. But i had to let you all know what exactly is going on.



I broke the other night when mom was sleeping for the first time in a few weeks. But as i sat there and balled, yes CJ balled, i remebered all of you. The ones that have been there and know me best. The information and love and support you all have given me over the years. The ones i could ALWAYS count on bringin a smile to my face. And the breakdown was over shortly. I just wanted to say thank you to every one of you. Whether you think this applies to you or not, your wrong. Each one of you have touched my life in such a positive way that i will never be able to thank you enough.



Well i have to go to bed shortly i have to work in the morning.



Night all

8:31PM

9 lasts.
1. last cigarette: 20 min ago


2. last beverage: tea


3. last kiss: today


4. last movie seen: harry potter and the prizoner of akzaban


5. last phone call: tobi


6. last cd played: my mix


7. last bubble bath: last night


8. last time you cried: last week


9. last girlfriend/boyfriend: last year






8 have you evers.


1. have you ever dated one of your best friends: yes


3. have you ever kissed somebody and regretted it: no

4. have you ever fallen in love: yes

5. have you ever lost someone you loved: yes

6. have you ever been depressed: yes

7. have you ever been drunk and threw up: yes

8. have you ever snuck out of your house: no

7 states you've been to.
ohio, wv, kentuky, pa,



6 things you've done today.


1. Shower


2. Went to wok


3. made a chicken stirfry


4. Talked on the phone


5. talked on the next with tobi


6. went to the groceryt store



5 favorite things in no order.


1. music


2. playing video games

3. Movies


4. TV


5. playing Music



4 people you can tell anything to.


1. tobi


2. remy


3. tasha

4. chantae

3 wishes.
1. That I get a house
2. Find a better job
3. be happy

2 things you want to do before you die.
1. Enjoy life
2. have no worries

1 thing you regret.
1. nothing

Best
1. Male friend: Cliff

2. Female friend:Tasha/ Rem/Tobi

3. Vacation: Montanna

4. Memory: .... dont know

Worst
1. Time of day: Morning

2. Day of the week: wensday

3. Memory: Ha, I don't know


Last


1. Person you saw: moms and grams

2. Person you hugged: angel

3. Instant message: tobi


4. Text:n/a




First


1. Best Friend: ryan

2. Beach: never

3. Obsession: books

Today


1. What are you doing now: listening to linkin park filling this out and talking to tobster

2. Wearing: a red t-shirt and gray sweats

4. What did you eat for lunch: pizza

5. Better than yesterday?: yep

Tomorrow
1. Wake up: 7 am

2. Got any plans?: work

3. Dislikes about tomorrow: work

9:36PM

ok so here is an update with the details of hte past week or so.......



grams surgery went just fine. the anerisms are removed and she is now at home recovering just fine. she hasnt gotten any of the after signs of blod clots wich they where worried about and there was no mal effect to her heart fromt he anestheia. she has no sweeling in her legs or arms any more... wich is a positive sign that the stints put in to repair or arteries are working properly. she goes on the 20 or 21 to have the staples removed from her leg. they went up through her groin area and removed the anerisms that way. she then goes back 3 days later to have the stitches removed. she is doing just fine and is talking more now than she has in 3 months wich tells me she was not only scared sick, but was in a depression. she is wanting to do stuff she hasnt wanted to do in almost a year since finding out she had the damn anerisms. so yay for that



i returned to work on monday.. and apparently with no effects to me they have not said jack shit bout me missing that much time. my supervisor threw a hissy fit till my friend tobi steped in and gave her a right bitching out one day when i logged out early and walked out to have a smoke because she made me pissed off so severly i was crying. i got paid today and amazingly enough there was just enough money to cover bills... so ya for that as well...

i was going to play softball this summer.. but almost have decided against it because of my knee and ankle. i just dont think that my knee could take another year of softball.. and my ankle is still stiff from last years injury. it doesnt help much that i didnt stay on crutches as long as i was supposed to or that i dont wear my brace for my knee.. but i hate being rendered motionless at times.. argh.. but oh well... ill find something to do with my summer.....

im so looking forward to the spring... i just cant wait for the winter blahs to be over with..



ok i leave ya with this.. its a little website that you can go.. and tell me what you think about me.. ect... lol... be nice now.. j/k



http://kevan.org/johari?name=chataunajo

8:13PM - ah

ok so here we go ... got bout 2 months worht of schtuff to cram in a journal entry...



first and foremost on ym mind. Grams has surgery tomarrow for the anerisims on her stomach.. i am hell a nervouse. the last time she went under anesthesia she didnt wake up for 2 months... so i and my mom are scared.. i have prayed more in the last two weeks than in my whole life.. and i am not even remortly religouse. god and i have an understnading... i dont ask forf much... and he .. ya know does the god thing.. bad attempt at humor. well when she went in for them to put the bands around the anerisms.. it took em 5 hours instead of 2 cause her right side is funky shaped aeorta... so ya kjnow its all kinda like fuckered up.

second.. i passed my first insurance test so i am leagally able to sell insurance of life and health and varriable products to the residences in the state of ohio... so yea.. that was great fun.... my appointments from other states should be comming in soon.. i have to go through property and casualty soon.. another 80 hours in a class room and another state test.. so yea.. that seems like so much fun... even as fun as a root canal at the dentist.. but hell ill do anyhting for 300 more a paycheck.......

lets see.. what else has been going on... umm.... im gonna kill my mom.. not for the usual reason of late.. just because she has been so high stung... omfg she is a bitch at times.. but all will be ok soon i hope..;.



ok so i thought this would take alot more up.. but each time i feel like i have so much to say .. it is a short enyty... so im off to read some more and try to get some sleep.....



night all

7:40AM

Ill update tonight after work reguarding grams surgery and times.. just a quick note.. not that any of you are really huge footbal fans... but..




MY STEELERS WON SUPERBOWL XL

21-10 over the seahawks

7:18PM - super busy..... although its a good thing this time

Monday, December 26, 2005

WOW.. sorry for the delay in recent updates.. i have been rather busy with work, and for once it is for a worth while thing. I am becoming an insurance agent for work to sell and make policies for those requesting insurance. i thought this would be rather easy, just some common since things, and a few new terms, whoa boy was i ever wrong. i have a book, bout the size of my digital electronics book( for those who didnt attend college with me thats about 500 pages) of shit i HAVE to know to pass the ohio's insurance licensing program. so i have spent the last 70 hours doing this at work.. 8- 10 hours a day.. and wow.. my brain is rather fried. i havent studied this much ever. although the passing score required to become licenced is rather low.. 70 percent... but still you have i believe a 300 question test to take in Columbus. it takes roughly 2 and a half hours to take this test. i can actually say i have learned stuff though...and not the type[ical..yea i know it to blow the instructor off.. i have learned stuff i can now use to get my moms complaints files against the state department for her SSI insurance... so it has been a good week....



on the other hand i still believe tobi is mad at me even though i am not the one who spilled the beans... about a situation.... i mean how could have i when i have spent on average all my time in the daumn classroom at work.. but i am sure that will be cleared up tomarrow when i have the opportunity to clears it up with her.. hopefully.. otherwise there goes a friendship out the window for no freaking reason...



ok i need to get back to the books.. holler at you all later.. when i have something worth while to talk about....



love ya all

10:41PM

Saturday, December 03, 2005

OK so i havent really updated in a few months with anyhting really intresting. I am at home now and amd with my family for good.

Chantae the wonderful person she is is helping me out wiht rides to work.

Grams has surgery on the 7th of febuary to rid her of the anurisms. The has to turn around and a couple weeks later have gual bladder surgery. ARGh can it get worse .. oh yea it can. lol.. but ihope it wont. lets see.. she will have to be in the hospital for four lond days... and OMFG will that be like a pain in the ass....

work is going ok.. i guess.. not much in the new of it. Its the same shit diffrent day.

I dont know if i have ever mentioned it but hte holidays ficking suck. ON thanksgiving i got disowned by half my family. LMFAO.. it was great and for once i am not beind sarcastic. My uncles who reside in williamstown decided to gan up on me and mom bout our spenign habbits of money.. and how we take care of grams ect.. and well.. it basically ended with a huge shouting match.. wich i won cause i hung up on them.. LMFAO.. yea so i am taking huge glee in the fact i acted imatture.. but oh well.. it isnt like you arent atleast chuckling over that fact...



ok.. wow.. i have said more than a few sentances of my own... im off to listen to some music and chill out...



love ya all



Currently Listening
Collision Course (with DVD)
By Linkin Park & Jay-Z
see related

9:04PM - long time

i havent found enough substantial schtuff in my life to update this daumn thing.. and for that i am sorry...

quick rundown of things:

grams broke her shoulder, has gaul stones and will be having anurism surgery in bout 2 weeks.

mom for once is ok physically.. just mentally exhausted

i have had my yearly bouth with pnemonia... and am ok rather


ok mundane shit out of the way.

all i do is work and sleep any more..

to xander so sorry for scoffing you off the otehr day i was nice to see you and thanks for stopping by.... i was just in a rather hurry to take grams to the hospital.. hope you understand..

ok... im outa stuff to say i have to pack to stay in marietta the rest of the week..

love to all..